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My Notes(Up to Oct '03) My Notes(From Oct '03) |
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Computer |
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Subject: Smart answers
>
> Q.How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
> A.Concrete floors are very hard to crack!
>
> Q.If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall,how long would it take
> four men to build it?
> A. No time at all it is already built.
>
> Q.Approximately how many birthdays does the average Japanese woman have?
> A. Just one. All the others are anniversaries.
>
> Q.If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and
> three oranges in the other hand, what would you have ?
> A. Very large hands.
>
> Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
> A. It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with
> one hand.
>
> Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?
> A. He sleeps at night.
>
> Q.Why it is impossible to send a telegram to Washington today ?
> A :Because he is dead.
>
> Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become ?
> A :It becomes wet.
>
> Q.What often falls but never gets hurt ?
> A : Rain
>
> Q.What is that no man ever saw which never was but always will be ?
> A : TOMORROW
>
> Q. What looks like half apple ?
> A : The other half.
>
> Q. What can you never eat for breakfast ?
> A : Dinner.
>
> Q. What gets wet with drying ?
> A : A towel.
>
> Q. What 3 letters change a girl into a woman ?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
u dirty mind,i know what u think
!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> A
: Its AGE.
>
> Q. What happened when wheel was invented ?
> A : It caused a revolution.
>
> Q. Why is it easy to weigh a fish ?
> A : Because it has its own scales.
>
> Q. Why does a bike rest on its leg ?
> A : Because it is too tyred.
>
> Q. bay of bengal is in which state
> A : liquid
>
>Q: what is the opposite of Nagpanchmi?
>A: Nag did not punch me.
>Q:now what is the inverse of Nagpanchmi?
>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
come on u engineers
>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>A: I punched the Nag.
>Q:Chintoo's mom has three sons. What is the name of other two?
>A:Chin-1 & Chin-3
Graffiti
1.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where
a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation.
2.
A careful study of economics usually reveals that the best
time to buy anything is last year.
3.
A Committee is a group of people who individually can do
nothing, but as a group decide that nothing can be done.
4.
A conclusion is a stage where you got tired of thinking.
5.
A
fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
6.
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
7.
A
modern artist is one who throws paint on canvas, wipes it off with a cloth and
sells the cloth.
8.
Accept
that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
9.
An
unmarried man has no buttons on his shirt. A married man has no shirt.
10.
And they lived happily until they got married.
11.
Anybody going slower than you is an “Idiot” and anybody
going faster than you is a “Maniac”.
12.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
13.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman - And behind
every unsuccessful man, there are two.
14.
Being healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which
one can die.
15.
Brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you
get up in the morning and doesn’t stop until you get into the office.
16. But the psychiatrist really helped me a lot. I would never answer the phone, because was afraid. Now I answer it whether it rings or not.
17.
Children brighten up a home: They always forget to turn out
the lights!
18.
Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?
19.
Criminal is no different from the rest... except that he got
caught.
20.
Define Bore: -
A person who has nothing to say and says it.
21.
Define Fashion: -
It is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every
six months.
22.
Define Lecture: -
Its an art of transferring information from a lecturer’s notes to a
student’s notes without passing it through either’s mind.
23.
Dieting is wishful shrinking.
24.
Do crematoriums give discounts to burn victims?
25.
Do files get embarrassed when they get unzipped?
26.
Do pilots take crash-courses?
27.
Do vampires get AIDS?
28.
Does a man-eating shark eat women, too?
29.
Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you
can’t be promoted.
30.
Don’t take life too seriously you won’t get out alive.
31.
Even a clock that is not running is right twice a day.
32.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.
33.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize
a mistake when you make it again.
34.
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to
set a bad example.
35.
Hard work doesn't harm anyone, but I do not want to take any
chances
36.
Have you been to a zoo? I mean as a visitor?
37.
How come wrong numbers are never busy…..???
38.
How do they get the "Keep off the Grass" sign on
the grass?
39.
How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is
lost?
40.
I can’t understand, every time I hear the phone it’s
ringing.
41.
I love hard work; I can really look at it for hours.
42.
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married;
then it was too late.
43.
I was thinking of becoming a doctor. I have the handwriting
for it.
44.
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
45.
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, does absolute
powerlessness make you pure?
46.
If humans have nightmares, what do horses have?
47.
If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would have been watching
televisions in dark.
48.
If it’s zero degree outside today and its supposed to be
twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
49.
If love is blind and marriage is an institution, then love
marriage is a blind institution.
50.
If Olive oil is made up of Olive & Groundnut oil is made
up of groundnut then what the baby oil is made up of?
51.
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people
from Holland called Holes?
52.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill
himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
53.
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
54.
If we learn from our mistakes then I am getting a fantastic
education.
55.
If you aim at nothing, you’ll hit it every time.
56.
If you are afraid of loneliness don’t marry.
57.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
58.
It doesn't matter at what temperature a room is; it's always
room temperature.
59.
It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look.
60.
It’s always dark before dawn. So if you’re going to steal
your neighbour’s newspaper, it’s the right time to do it.
61.
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in
basement.
62.
Marriage is an agreement in which a man loses his
bachelor’s degree and woman gains her master’s.
63.
Marriage is nature’s way of stopping people from fighting
with strangers.
64.
Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
65.
Men are of two types: alive and……married.
66.
Miser is a person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
67.
Modern dresses are like barbed fences; protect the premises
without blocking the views.
68.
Money can’t buy love but it makes it easier to get.
69.
Money can’t buy love but neither can poverty.
70.
Most of us can keep a secret. It's the people we tell it to
who can't.
71.
My wife wanted to see the world, so I bought her an atlas.
72.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't
there the first time, chances are you won’t be needing him again.
73.
Never think negative as I won’t succeed think positive like
I’ll fail.
74.
Never try to drown your troubles... especially if she can
swim.
75.
Never wrestle a pig you both get dirty and the pig enjoys it.
76.
No one has ever complained of a parachute not opening.
77.
Not all men are fool some are bachelor.
78.
Now that Microsoft is so big, should it be called Macrosoft?
79.
Poor Primitive man had no industry or technology, just clean
air, pure water and rich soil.
80.
Public opinion is what people think other people are
thinking.
81.
Quit smoking take air pollution straight.
82.
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings...they
did it by killing all those who opposed them
83.
Silence is golden, but shouting is fun.
84.
Skill is successfully walking a tightrope over Niagara Falls.
Intelligence is not trying.
85.
Smile, it makes people wonder what you’re thinking
86.
Smoking causes a slow death, But who wants to die early
anyway.
87.
Success has many fathers but failures are born orphans.
88.
Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
89.
Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine power is
defeated by feminine power.
90.
The best way to avoid car accident is to travel by Bus.
91.
The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re
an artist.
92.
The only way to avoid mistakes is to gain by experience. The
only way to gain experience …is to make a mistake.
93.
The road to success is always under construction.
94.
There are two kinds of friends: those who are around when you
need them, and those who are around when they need you.
95.
There is no right way to do a wrong thing.
96.
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its
students.
97.
Today is the last day of your life, so far.
98.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people
are laughing with you.
99.
We have a quiet home life. I don't speak to her and she
doesn't speak to me.
100.
We learn from history that we do not learn anything from
history.
101.
What do you call a male ladybug?
102.
What if someone died in the living room?
103.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
104.
What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an
endangered plant?
105.
When everything is coming your way, you are in the wrong
lane, Dear…!!!
106.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
107.
Why do we kill people for killing people to show that killing
is wrong?
108.
Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know
that the battery is dead?
109.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and
dishwashing liquid made with real lemon…..???
110.
Why is that Boss is always early when you are late and late
when you are early.
111.
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
112.
Women are like elephants. I like to look at them but I’d
hate to own one.
113.
Women inspire us to great things, and prevent us from
achieving them.
114.
Work is a fine thing if it doesn’t take too much of you
spare time.
115.
Worry is the darkroom in which 'negatives' are developed.
116.
You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT
UP……!!!
117.
Your future depends on your dreams. So go to sleep.
118.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
119.
Cheat is a person for whom, when he borrows money, it's not
only against his principle to pay interest, but also against his interest to pay
the principle.
120.
Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn't expect 2 get
it back.
121.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and
practice; in practice, however, there is.
122.
Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you
when he is in trouble again.
123.
People will believe anything if you whisper it.
124.
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong
conclusion with confidence.
125.
Misfortune: the kind of fortune that never misses.
126.
College is a fountain of knowledge... and the students are
there to drink.
127.
If we rearrange the letters of the word
"mother-in-law" it becomes "women Hitler".
128.
Love is like game of football where everybody doesn’t
achieve goals but everybody gets kicks there.
129.
Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only
thing in life.
130.
Fight crime shoot back.
131.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
132.
Money is not everything. There's MasterCard & Visa.
133.
One should love animals. They are so tasty.
134.
A successful man is one who can earn more than his wife
spends. A Successful woman is one who can find such a man.
135.
Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.
136.
Never put off the work till tomorrow. What you can put off
today.
137.
Save water………drink beer.
138.
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin;
they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
139.
People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste
of beer; they just like to pee a lot.
140.
Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second
wife to his success.
141.
Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.
142.
Half of the people in the world are below average.
143.
If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?
144.
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is
prohibited there?
145.
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
146.
Disobedience is the true foundation of liberty. The obedient
must be slaves.
147.
Minds are like parachutes - they only function when open
148.
Brain is an apparatus with which we think we think.
149.
Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in
love.
150.
The end of the day is near when small men make long shadows.
151.
People have one thing in common: they are all different.
152.
Atom Bomb is an invention to end all inventions.
153.
Philosopher is a fool who torments himself during life, to be
spoken of when dead.
154.
Worry is interest paid on trouble before it falls due.
155.
Father is a banker provided by nature.
156.
Optimist is a person who starts taking bath if he
accidentally falls into a river.
157.
Politician is one who shakes your hand before elections and
your confidence after.
158.
Ecstasy is a feeling when you feel you are going to feel a
feeling you have never felt before.
159.
Etc is a sign to make others believe that you know more than
you actually do.
160.
College is a place where some pursue learning and others
learn pursuing.
161.
A truly perfect marriage would be one between a blind woman
and a deaf man.
162.
Everyone who lives dies but not everyone who dies lives.
163.
A happy man marries the girl he loves; a happier man loves
the girl he marries.
164.
A Lawyer will do anything to win a case, sometimes he will
even tell the truth. - Patrick Murray.
165.
I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it -
Richard Lederer.
166.
God must love stupid people...He made so many.
167.
A pronoun is a noun that has lost its individual status.
168.
A counterfeiter is locked up for trying to follow a good
example.
169.
Talk is cheap...until lawyers get involved.
170.
Double your pleasure, photocopy your paycheck.
171.
The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.
172.
Anywhere is walking distance, if you've got the time.
173.
Man, who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
174.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many
memories.
175.
The only difference between a madman and me is that I'm not
mad.
176.
There's no such thing as nonexistence.
177.
On a diet? Go to the paint store. You can get thinner there.
178.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
179.
Why is it called a “Building”, when it is already built?
180.
Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I have to walk
by again?
181.
Does a liar lie when he says he says he is telling a lie?
182.
A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the
adults are out acting like teenagers.
183.
The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to
appreciate it.
184.
As long as they pretend to pay me, I pretend I am working.
185.
Working is a delight; leave enough work for your colleagues.
186.
Girls are like Internet domain names……the ones I like are
already taken.
187.
I visited the tax office. I wanted to know the people I work
for.
188.
A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and
another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes.
189.
Marriage is when a man & woman become as one; the trouble
starts when they try to decide which one.
190.
You can soften some people by soaking them in money.
191.
Between two evils, pick the one you haven’t tried before.
192.
Some people look bright until they speak b’coz light
travels faster than sound.
193.
Classic: a book that people praise, but do not read.
194.
Skydivers don’t argue with their wives who pack their
parachutes.
195.
If you are what you eat then I'm staying away from nuts.
196.
Analyzing humour is like analyzing a frog: you can do it, but
the frog tends to die in the process.
197.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't
come to yours.
198.
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
199.
Sexual harassment at work—is it a problem for the
self-employed?
200.
It's tough being a politician. Half your reputation is ruined
by lies; the other half is ruined by the truth.
201.
Mistakes are the beginning of discovery.
202.
If crime fighters fight crime, and firefighters fight fire,
then what do freedom fighters fight?
203.
She is an expert housekeeper: every time she gets divorced,
she keeps the house.
204.
When a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is
love; after marriage, it’s self-defense.
205.
A cigarette is a pinch of tobacco, wrapped in paper, fire at
one end, fool at the other.
206.
Humans are like tea bags. They never realize their strength
until they are put in hot water.
207.
How can there be self-help "groups"?
208.
Missing dog and wife. Reward for dog.
209.
The family that sticks together should bathe more often.
(Sent by Mr Tushar Sharma, India)